garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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