just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You're like the curious george of whores
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
