I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
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For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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