there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
