He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
