Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
