Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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