nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize