Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
