no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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