THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
