I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
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puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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