I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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