At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
