I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
