he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
two words...techno handjob
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
