Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
