apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
