I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
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You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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