Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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