she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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