Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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