do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
