The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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