i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
the raccoons are back...
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