I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
