Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
