Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
