It's like God shit irony all over that family
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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