Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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