My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
