Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're too hungover to prance.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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