The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
