I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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