I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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