There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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