and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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