I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
