living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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