What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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