You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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