I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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