I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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