I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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