You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
