My first STD was from a foam party
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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