i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
COCAINE IS GR8
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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