Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
