It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
