we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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