I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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