He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
