so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
