If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
