The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
