do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i believe in u and ur pee
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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