so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
