PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I faked an abortion last night.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
