dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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