he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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