I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
