??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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