Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
